At different points of mankind’s history, different kinds of people have tried to take over the world.
During the earlier parts of the 20th century, the Germans thought that they could be kings of the universe and launched two world wars to establish dominion over the rest of mankind.
Thereafter, it was the reign of the big corporations. Coca-Cola, IBM, Starbucks, you name it, we have it. Mammoth corporations that had influence and control over how we lived, what we ate and perhaps how we even ahem… made love (Durex).
So imagine the surprise that a little, microscopic virus called the SARS-CoV-2 would wield so much damage to how we live our lives in the 21st century, when human beings are supposedly high up the science and technology ladder.
Philosophical musings aside, now that you are on the COVID-19 lockdown, and you are forced to work from home (you thought you could escape right?), what gifts can you buy for yourself if you are an employee?
Best COVID-19 Lockdown Employee Gift #5: Webcams
Your boss tells you to pack your things and leave. And he or she isn’t giving you much time.
Don’t worry; you ain’t sacked. You have been made to work from home.
And because you are working from home, your boss can’t keep his or her eyes on you all the time, which is kind of creepy.
So you’ll have to give him or her the eyes to keep tabs on you all the time, and thereby the webcam.
For a while, webcams were going to be a thing of the past. I mean, webcams are so passé. It’s a relic from the 90s and the early 2000s.
Every smart phone today already has a front-facing camera, so you can already Whatsapp Video Chat (or use any app you want) with your friends.
So imagine the surprise when the whole world goes on a mad scramble for webcams.
In terms of webcams, one brand comes to mind: Logitech. And where Logitech webcams are concerned, the Logitech StreamCam is top of its class.
The Logitech StreamCam offers top-of-its-class picture quality, is an excellent low-light camera and definitely comes with a hefty price tag.
But it will also allow your lecherous boss a high-definition view of your curves and grooves if you are naked in front of the camera, and you forget that your Logitech StreamCam is on.
Hey, if you are a woman, you might even get a well–deserved promotion. After all, men just want sex.
Best COVID-19 Lockdown Employee Gift #4: Wireless Gaming Headphones
Way before COVID-19, wireless gaming headphones were the stuff of nerds and geeks, and conjure images of grimy, obese loser fat boys munching on pizza and drowning in soda, with all–too–cool monikers such as Death Plague Warrior and the Invincible Tiger, or something like that.
Look who’s laughing now? Actually, you are still the one laughing. They are still grimy, obese and virgin.
But for now, you and I need to acknowledge that their paraphernalia can be the stuff of science fiction, and that sci-fi stuff can help you score points in front of your boss.
Why? Because work is now done at home, via apps such as Zoom or Google Meet. And for once, I have to give it to Tim Ferriss, author of the all-time bestseller, ‘The 4 Hour Work Week’.
In The 4 Hour Work Week, Tim Ferriss devised a scheme for employees to liberate themselves from the workplace, and to work from remote locations such as the Bahamas, without sacrificing productivity.
13 years after its publication, employees no longer have to schemingly devise a plot for their bosses to free them from the shackles of the workplace. Today, employers – thanks to a little-known bug – demand that you liberate yourself from the workplace.
But for wireless gaming headphones – which is the best? It has to be the Astro Gaming A50 headset. It even comes with a charging station.
Wait. That’s not all! Other than the charging station, the Astro Gaming A50 headset also comes with a hefty price tag. So if you can fork out the moolah to buy this, I must say – you are the MAN!
Best COVID-19 Lockdown Employee Gift #3: Wireless Ergonomic Keyboards
Excuse me, are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Pardon the bad joke – cheesy pick-up line – but keyboards are important.
Ever since the human race got domesticated, we have been spending more time in front of the screen, rather than outdoors.
And where modern-day work is concerned, the keyboard plays the role of a silent warrior, aiding us in our aim of generating reports, essays and the such.
Some of us spend so much time on the keyboard that we get repetitive strain injury (RSI) on our wrists and fingers.
This isn’t right! This has to stop.
Our fingers should be utilised for more important things. For women, those dainty fingers of yours should be used to pleasure yourself; while for men, those rough fingers of yours should be used to pleasure the women of your life.
To allow our fingers the freedom to fulfil their higher purpose of helping their owners seek and give happiness, I suggest ergonomic keyboards to keep those frivolous injuries at bay.
And for ergonomic keyboards, one brand comes to mind again: Logitech.
The Logitech Ergo K860. A keyboard with curves.
Best COVID-19 Lockdown Employee Gift #2: Heavy-Duty Laser Printers
You are locked down at home, and you have to work.
You need to print stuff, and your printer takes eons to puke out even one page.
Welcome to the new world, where your home is also your office.
Used to be, a photo printer was all we needed at home. We only had to print pictures of our family, friends and our nudes with our lovers.
Now, it is office-grade printing capability.
To me, a good printer should always be a trusted brand name with a long-enough history.
And to me, a printer isn’t just a printer; it’s an HP Printer.
And if you are looking for an HP powerhouse, it has to be an HP LaserJet Enterprise M553n Laser Printer.
Best COVID-19 Lockdown Employee Gift #1: A Good Mattress
Come on, man. Work at home isn’t that bad.
You don’t have the boss snooping over you all the time. And even with the Logitech StreamCam, there’s no way for your boss to be keeping an eye on you all the way.
Work-at-home arrangements, or telecommuting, is essentially an avenue to mix work with play.
And since it’s a lockdown, you technically can’t go out.
But you can play within the house, by having lots of sex.
Good sex demands a good mattress for you to snooze on so that you can recharge, recuperate and recover, so that you can have more sex.
Want to have more sex? You need the WinkBed by WinkBeds.
Raving reviews by HuffPost, NBC, CNET, Maxim, and definitely by Top5Gifts.XYZ, make the WinkBed the only mattress you’ll ever need to hump to your heart’s (prick or cunt’s) content during the COVID-19 lockdown.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. You a dull boy? Not with the WinkBed.
As an Employee During this COVID-19 Lockdown
You are an employee: you work hard, you play hard. The lockdown might have been a great disruptor of our lives, but it forces us to reconsider our priorities.
For those of us who have never really thought about what really matters, perhaps take this time to think, rethink and ask what is most important.
To me, this has never been called into question. I want sex.
But unless you’re as clear as me, you can buy Gifts #2 to #5 for yourself during this lockdown. For me, Gift #1 trumps the rest.