Top 5 Christmas (2019) Gift Ideas for Your Mum, the unlucky bitch who gave birth to you
Your mum probably didn’t know what she was getting into when she got screwed by your dad.
Amidst all the groaning and moaning and the highs of multiple orgasms (I hope your dad was that good), she forgot that the bursts of pleasure in her body would soon turn into grunts of pain and disaster.
Because you popped out.
And since then, her life didn’t matter anymore. It was going to be all about you.
What a disaster.
Anyway, it’s Christmas. Given the pain and misery that you’ve given your mum, shouldn’t you do something in return, and make her heart smile, for a minute or two?
Christmas (2019) Gift Ideas for Your Mum #1: High Thread-Count Linen Sheets
Everyone has karma, and when you were born, you came with a specific agenda: deprive your mum of sleep.
The least you can do for her is to buy her good bedsheets, especially those with high thread counts.
I know, I know… Dad isn’t bonking her anymore, but really, that doesn’t mean you can’t buy her some high thread-count linen sheets, like those below.
Christmas (2019) Gift Ideas for Your Mum #2: Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
If your mum has a bit of a sweet tooth, then some chocolate-covered strawberries might be exactly what she’ll enjoy for Christmas.
These can be bought premade with all kinds of lovely designs on them that she’s sure to enjoy. They’re made with high-quality ingredients, so you know she’s getting the best she deserves.
And if she has diabetes, you’ll be putting her on the highway to hell.
Christmas (2019) Gift Ideas for Your Mum #3: Pour-Over Coffee Maker
Many mums are shagged-out human beings. Other than all the household chores she has to undertake, she has had to deal with all your tantrums, demands and madness, and now that you’re all grown-up, she’s faced with an empty nest.
Much ado about nothing, that’s what life’s all about.
She needs a quick boost and caffeine is the answer.
Chances are, she only has a standard, run-of-the-mill coffee maker.
Your dad is too busy ogling the porn star who just moved into your neighbourhood to realise that the coffee maker is 15 years old.
So it’s up to you to buy that sorry bitch a good pour-over coffee set.
With a pour-over coffee set, your mum will be able to make higher-quality, better-tasting coffee in the comfort of her own home.
These sets make it easy to make café-quality coffee in minutes. Then she’ll invite the postman over for a good afternoon coffee.
They might even Netflix and chill.
Christmas (2019) Gift Ideas for Your Mum #4: Automated Foot Massager
Along with all that hard work she does, your mum is probably prone to getting sore down there.
The feet, I mean.
If your mum frequently has sore feet from running errands and doing a lot of activities, then an at-home automatic foot massager might be something that can help her out immensely.
You can even get heated ones so that she can capture all the feeling of a spa in her living room.
Christmas (2019) Gift Ideas for Your Mum #5: Bath Bombs
If your mum likes to relax with a nice bath, then some bath bombs can better her experience all around.
Bath bombs can alter the colour, scent, and even texture of a standard bath to make it more interesting and relaxing.
With quality scents like lavender or fresh linens, these simple little gifts can give her a much-needed break from the chaos of being a mum.
Talk about chaos: you might want to buy her a sledgehammer so that she can choose to wreck everything if it gets too strenuous.